The Side of Myself I Never Knew Before Leaving the U.S.

rooting for France soccer

Rooting for “les bleus” France national team at the Eurocup

If there’s one thing that I’ve always been able to count on in myself, it’s this: I. Love. Travel. Love it. Live for it.

So I was surprised at feeling recently like I wanted to stay put. For a while.

It hit me first when we landed in Paris, but even more after we left the apartment we had just arrived at two weeks earlier to go back to New York, where I had to get my visa and Olivier had to do training for his new job. This was after two months of traveling to 20 different cities all over Asia in two months.

I wouldn’t blame anyone for thinking right about now: boo-hoo. Life is SO hard. And I agree. So I’m not complaining; I’m just noticing a side of myself that I never thought I’d encounter. The nesting side.

The side that wants to unpack my suitcase knowing I won’t have to pack it right back up to move to our next apartment.

The side that wants to cook dinner at home every night.

The side that wants to hang our wedding pictures and arrange the books on our shelf.

The side that wants to sit at a desk and work from 9 to 5—and get paid for it. Instead of sitting around half-busy. Mulling over and over whether this was a really stupid f*ing decision, quitting a job I loved and moving across an ocean to a country where I’m an editor who speaks the local language at the level of a 5-year-old.

The side that wants to be able to fully meet new people, enough that we can call each other friends, in a new home where I don’t really know anyone yet. Like know-know—as in bitch about husbands leaving dirty dishes in the sink and laugh about that time we were so engrossed in a conversation that we walked out of a restaurant without paying.

I know that it’s just a matter of time before I will have these things again—and that no sooner than I do I will probably get the itch to travel again. I’m only human…and as they say, the grass is always greener. So what I feel is tired and freaked out. So for now, I’ll just get by knowing that in not too long I will have stability—and with that, inevitably, some semblance of control. And maybe, hopefully, I’ll come out of this wild but exhilarating change with the life that I imagined before we moved.

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